What the Hell Happened This Week? - Week of 12/5/2021 The Daily Show with Trevor Noah
What the Hell Happened This Week? - Week of 12/5/2021
Created on https://www.dvdvideosoft.com/free-youtube-subtitles-download
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
omicron the reason you need to adjust
your 2022 mosque budget the new variant
has now been found in 17 american states
yeah and honestly by the time you see
this it'll probably be up to like 80
states
now there is some good news dr fauci
says that while it's still too early to
know for sure it looks like omicron
spreads more easily than delta but maybe
less severe
yeah
which means covert might have watered
itself down so it could reach more
people
like the ice cube of corona variants
and that would be amazing if it's true i
mean like if covert just made people
sick instead of killing them i mean that
would be a game changer you know it's
still not great
but it's better
imagine if freddy krueger started giving 弗莱迪·克鲁格（Freddy Krueger），是出自《猛鬼街》系列电影的杀人狂
teenagers diarrhea instead of killing
them that's a major improvement
and a really weird movie don't you get
it man if you poop in your dreams you
poop
in your bed
i guess
i'll just wash the sheets
oh yeah it's gonna be a whole laundry
day
still even if that turns out to be true
nobody wants another big wave of covert
cases nobody wants that which is why
today mayor市长 bill de blasio announced | Bill de Blasio is an American politician serving as the 109th mayor of New York City since 2014.
that new york city will be the first
city in the country to require
all private employees to be vaccinated接种疫苗
yeah which means you can feel better now
knowing that the guy's selling you your
fake vaccine card on the corner well
he's also going to be vaccinated
and thanks to fears of omicron there's
now a surge in demand for vaccines all
over the world although
not for everyone
a dentist in italy is
in hot water for trying to get his
covert vaccine in a fake arm he turned
up for the shot with a fake arm covering
his real arm hoping the nurse wouldn't
notice but when the nurse rolled up his
sleeve she found the skin rubbery cold
and the pigment too light sorry then
documented reason he gave me a half
smile and asked me to pretend i didn't
know anything and to give him the
vaccine anyway and i realized that he
was wearing a silicon bodysuit
the silicon bodysuit the nurse is
talking about would have looked
something like this there are several of
them online for sale
so wait so wait
this dude just put on a fake suit like
he was starring in house of gucci and
then he thought that
that would fool a nurse
well man
nurses put needles in arms all day they
know what a real arm feels like like if
a nurse feels cold rubbery skin they're
definitely gonna be like wait a minute
i already gave mitch mcconnell his shot
who are you not to mention this is italy
that's the hardest place to pull off a
fake arm hey how come are you not moving
your hands around or when you talk uh
i'm one of those italians who doesn't do
that i let my mouth do the talking ah
there is no such a thing
look man to be fair guys
you can't be that mad at a dentist for
lying to a doctor i mean how many times
have you gone to your dentist and said
oh yeah i definitely flush many times a
day he learned it from us
you know what i mean
i i gotta say this though man i respect
the ingenuity
these people are getting more and more
creative they these folks have come a
long way from drinking bleach
and you got to respect that you started
with the drinking the bleach
a little bit of the horse medicine and
then there was fake vaccine cards and
now my man just got a whole arm on
that's what we need to start selling dog
fake homes fake arms i don't
encourage them right hell yeah fake arms
that's what we should start selling
but you may not encourage them it's
money it's money to be made people are
willing to pay top down this man bought
a whole butt naked suit on the internet
to keep from getting a shot
if
you miss out on the money man you know
i'm right though
you know i'm right i don't know about
that okay all right let's move on from
covid to the other big event that sweeps
the whole world
the olympics
it's when all the nations of the world
compete to see who has the best steroids
they're also a chance for countries to
come together in harmony despite their
differences but sometimes there are some
differences that are too big to set
aside
and that's when it's time to play a new
olympic sport
hardball now to more breaking news the
u.s will not send any diplomatic
representatives to the beijing 2022
winter olympics press secretary gensake
announced the boycott citing china's
ongoing genocide and human rights abuses
in the past first ladies even presidents
have led the u.s delegation to the
olympics but this move by the biden
administration will mean no u.s
government officials attend in protest
of china's human rights abuses american
athletes however will still be allowed
to compete wow
wow wow that's huge there will be no
american government officials at the
olympics
which means if they want to watch it
they'll have to do it the way the rest
of us do by turning on the tv and then
getting bored after three minutes and
then turning it off and that's a real
shame that the american officials won't
be at the olympics
because you realize kamala harris was
about to become the first black woman to
ever watch a hockey game
but i mean honestly it doesn't surprise
me that joe biden would do this doesn't
surprise me at all for one thing he
cares deeply about human rights for
another he's 79 years old i mean he's
not about to fly across 12 time zones to
watch a bunch of norwegians sweep an ice
rink
that's the one cool reason to be
president right most of us if we don't
want to do something we have to come up
with some lame excuse and then everyone
else shows up and talks about how we
didn't come but if you're president
you can just be like diplomatic boycott
no one is allowed to attend emily's
birthday brunch now
the reason the u.s is doing this
diplomatic boycott of the olympics is to
protest china's abuses against the
uyghurs right which the u.s government
has declared a genocide
and when you when you think about it
it's a little weird to accuse an olympic
host of genocide but then still send all
of your athletes to that country
i mean it's it's genocide at least
pull out the bobsled team because now
all you're doing is saying you know all
our boring people well we're not sending
them that's the punishments like if
biden really wanted to punish china he
shouldn't withhold government officials
no he should send government in fact you
know what he should send the ones nobody
can stand yeah if you want to get back
at china you have marjorie taylor green 马乔丽·泰勒·格林（英語：Marjorie Taylor Greene，1974年5月21日－）是美国政客、商人，被有些人认为是阴谋论者，是乔治亚州第十四国会选区的现任美国众议员[3]。格林的政治立场被认为是极右翼[4]，她曾在Facebook视频中表达了对极右翼阴谋论匿名者Q的支持，但后来试图与阴谋论远离[5]
in the stands the only way a speed
skater could move that quickly is with
jewish magnets
okay we'll let the wigas go please just
take her back
first off
with all this global warming able like
six winter olympics left they should
have gone
they ain't that many winner olympics
left in the first place the bigger
question i have for you and you might
notice cause you and you more
international than me what does a
diplomat do
they just
show up and they go hey man america's
good we good america make sure you like
them they need them that's essentially a
diplomats job then they're an influencer
they're just a political influencer
that's what you do you influence the
country honestly if you want to make the
winter olympics more exciting that's
what they need to do africa
they need to do the summer events in the
winter
that's how you get to winter olympics
popping i don't know about no
bobsled but i love track and field oh
you the fastest person on the track
let's add some ice see what you do now
[Laughter]
i'm an email to ioc you know him right
i'm going to hit him up real quick
actually i would want to watch those
you're telling me michael phelps in ice
water you're telling me that's not
entertaining michael phelps in ice water
michael phelps on ice is even more
entertaining
[Laughter]
all right let's move on to our next
story which is about jobs
they're how we pass the time until we
die over the past few months more people
have been quitting their jobs than ever
before but while that's going on some
people are still becoming unemployed the
old-fashioned way by getting fired and
one ceo just came up with a new and
terrible way to do it a web boss had
some brutal news for more than 900 of
his workers who had just joined him on a
zoom call
you're fired less than four weeks from
christmas dumped via zoom the mortgage
startupbetter.com fired nine percent of
the workforce in a zoom call that lasted
less than three minutes thank you for
joining um
i come to you with not great news this
is the second time in my career i'm
doing this and i do not do not want to
do this
the last time i did it i cried
um this time i hope to be stronger
if you're on this call
you are
part of the unlucky group being laid off
your employment here is terminated
effective immediately
okay first of all
you can't say if you're on this call
you're unlucky enough like the call was
an optional thing and then people got
tricked into it that's some if
you're on this call well i'm not on this
call am i still fired
out of here man
900 people getting fired at once that's
not a firing that's a rapture
i mean a big group firing is the most
impersonal thing you can do if you
respect an employee you should have the
decency to sit down and tell them to
their face why you think they suck
until we fire it over zoom is especially
tough because i mean you can't storm out
all dramatic you know if you fight in
the office you get to be like you'll be
working for me one day
bang
but on zoom you have to be like you'll
all be working for me one day
wait where's the leave leave me no
that's
gallery view that's mute
am i am i gone no okay you'll all be
working for me one day hold on hey how
do i how do i quit the thing
how do i uh can dennis help me with this
can we get dennis help me i can't yeah
the button is not working for me to
leave
oh man i hope you guys are working for
me one day so you can help me with this
kind of stuff
you know the worst part for me was how
the ceo made it all about himself as
well
oh this is so tough
i hope i don't cry again what are the
people supposed to do comfort you for
firing them they're there it's okay i am
expendable i get it i get it
i mean not to mention i don't think
anyone should ever get fired before
christmas you know it totally ruins the
season if you're gonna fire someone on a
holiday you do it on valentine's day now
that way at least you give them an
excuse maybe i would have gotten you
something but abbas set me free
[Applause]
president biden held a video meeting
with vladimir putin to warn him not to |Vladimir Putin,俄罗斯总统普金
invade ukraine
yeah
and a video chat is a tough way for both
of these guys to do diplomacy i mean
especially because even when he's in
person biden talks like he's got a bad
connection man come on man vlad you
gotta you know what the thing we're
trying to do on the border you gotta man
we gotta we gotta come on come on come
on man
joe
you're cutting out no joe i cannot hear
you you are cutting reboot your ser you
know what i reboot for you i have access
to white house servers not kamala she
doesn't use bluetooth everybody else
all right let's move on to some
technology news everyone loves tesla
cars they're like if a prius did
ayahuasca but now they're under fire for
a new feature that allows drivers to
play video games like solitaire on the
dashboard screen while driving
yeah which
guys come on
how are we supposed to drive and play
video games
and text and eat breakfast and do our
makeup and flip with other drivers for
not paying attention to the road it's
too much now people
and also i can't emphasize this enough
it's not worth dying in a car crash just
to play a video game
i mean at least not solitaire
you know if god of war was on there then
yeah i'll drive off a cliff but
solitaire
saint peter will be roasting your ass at
the pearly gates solitaire your
bitch-ass dad for solitude this is
hilarious yo mother teresa come here
this come here this yeah bring jeffrey
epstein with you can't bring jeffrey
with you oh this is crazy
wait what
jeffrey epstein's in heaven
are we just gonna carry on like that
didn't happen guys we're just gonna let
that how did he get into it all right
let's make like every bachelorette party
and go to nashville tennessee where
another confederate statue has been
removed this time it's one that was put
up in the 1990s yeah and it's of the
first kkk leader nathan bedford forrest
and i'm going to be honest you know this
this statue here was actually the one
confederate statue that i feel
should have been kept up
because i mean look at it
is hilarious when have you ever
seen a statue where the general looks
like he's shooting his way out of a
salute you know he's like
his horse doesn't even have reigns every
other statue the general system like a
wise old man this dude looks like he
stole a horse in red dead redemption i'm
getting out of here
[Music]
i mean look at these i've never seen a
statue that's panicked who makes the
statue of your moment of panic he looks
like he found out he just found out what
a barack obama is they said what he's
the ruler of who
ah
in fact i realized you know what we
don't need to take down any confederate
statues yeah we should just say whoever
designed this statue has to design all
the other statues then both sides win
yeah and if this general really did look
like this in real life i think it would
explain a lot you know he's probably the
first guy at the clan rally who said you
know what we should all wear pillowcases
over our faces you mean to scare the
dorkies
oh yeah sure that's why
[Music]
[Applause]
for centuries humans have thought that
the moon is as barren and empty as chris
cuomo's work schedule but that might all
be about to change china's moon rover
has spotted a mystery object on the
horizon while working its way across a
crater on the far side of the moon in
this photo it's about 260 feet away and
you can see what looks like right angles
on a square object the rover is expected
to spend the next two to three months
trying to get closer
the cube shaped object was described in
chinese as quote a mystery hut uh
no
hell no
anything called a mystery hut you better
stay away from
i mean best case scenario
it's a pizza place that picks the
toppings for you but most likely you're
just going to get molested
and by the way what was that what was
that about did you hear that where they
said it's going to take two to three
months
to reach the mystery hut that's 260 feet
away
what did they send up there door dash
driver oh he's got a complete deliveries
on other planets first and then he'll be
right there here's an idea here's an
idea
what if
we leave the mystery hut alone
i mean i'm just saying between a
pandemic and climate change maybe now's
not a great time to risk opening up an
ancient box that we found on the moon
i mean chances are it's probably just
going to be a boulder or something
because let's be honest the moon is
boring
you know it should be this incredible
thing but whenever we get news from
space scientists it always feels like
we're hanging out with like a like a
toddler i found a walk
wow well done scientist
i found a bigger walk jesus christ well
done scientist
but let's move on from the least
inhabited place to the most new york
city
the holidays are a great time of year
here in new york the store windows are
decorated the rockettes are performing
and if you're really lucky a beautiful
snowfall will trap all of the dog poop
and garbage on the street for three
months after which it'll thaw and fill
the air with the sweet smells of spring
but apparently not every new yorker has
the holiday spirit because last night
someone set fire to the 50-foot
christmas tree outside the fox news
studios
and it's not clear how this happened i
mean it could be an accident
could be arson
could be santifa
it's not clear
and unfortunately we can't ask the tree
because like all fox employees it had to
sign an nda but
for the network that invented the war on
christmas this turned out to be the best
gift that they could have asked for i
think it tells the bigger story i mean
since this is this city is so out of
control especially in midtown manhattan
yes
we used to love it goes to the larger
issue of safety and we have been talking
for a very long time this city has gone
south when it comes to safety we don't
feel safe when we come to work in the
morning we don't safe we feel safe when
we go home at night think about it who
to ainsley's earlier point who sets a
christmas tree on fire it's a tree that
unites us that brings us together it's
about the christmas spirit it is about
the holiday season
it's about jesus it's about hanukkah it
is about everything that we stand for as
a country wait wait wait wait wait wait
oh wait wait wait a christmas tree
represents a lot of things but one thing
it definitely does not represent is
hanukkah i mean if it did that tree
would have had to burn for eight days
come on people
i mean that's a weird thing for anyone
to say but especially fox news because
these are the guys who spent 15 years
insisting that we have to say merry
christmas instead of happy holidays and
now all of a sudden the christmas tree
is half jewish it's all about the
holidays all the holidays and honestly
even calling this thing a tree is such a
stretch because i don't know if you saw
this once the flames went out it turns
out that this thing was just like
scaffolding covered in pine needles
i'm sorry but that's not a tree that's
just a jungle gym with a body hair
problem but
i will say this
i agree
with fox news hosts
they're totally right people the crime
in new york has gotten out of control
the city is a war zone blood and death
is on every corner the rats have joined
gangs everybody needs to leave so that
my rent can go down and i can finally
find some space on the subway but mostly
because it's not safe
and there's murdered rats the poor rats
have been murdered
sorry wait they're murdering whatever
brings down my rents guys that's what's
happening in new york
all right and finally a story out of
finland
the country in a throuple with no way in
sweden
finland has one of the youngest prime
ministers in the world 36 year old santa
marin and that comes with all sorts of
challenges
for instance last weekend
officials tried to text marin to let her
know that she had been exposed to covert
and needed to isolate but she didn't get
the message right away because get this
she was out at a club
until 4 00 am
yeah which if you ask me it's pretty
baller i mean especially in finland
because they only get like one hour of
sunlight a day that means she's probably
gonna sleep through that right
and people were angry people were angry
that she didn't have her phone with her
but i mean it would have been worse if
she'd gotten the message while she was
at the club
oh i might have coveted what i
can't hear you cup your hands over your
mouth and scream directly into my face
but guys i can also understand why she
wouldn't be checking her messages
because come on how hard can it be to
run finland
the biggest debate in that country is
deciding what temperature to set the
saunas at what's their stress
you know this scandal actually just
proves why america is right though to
only elect old people
they'll never have this issue the only
reason joe biden would be awake at 4 am
is to pee that makes me feel safe
[Applause]
when the coveted pandemic first swept
the world in 2020 the uk was one of the
countries that were hardest hit and it
responded with a national lockdown all
non-essential stores were closed uh
public and private gatherings were
banned and megan and harry were forced
to socially distance 7 000 miles away
but now we're learning that some of the
people who imposed the lockdown
weren't obeying it themselves boris
johnson is facing fierce criticism this
morning a leaked video shows senior
downing street staff joking about a
christmas party thrown by the british
prime minister during last year's tier
three covid lockdown this video shows
aides rehearsing for a briefing four
days after the alleged party i had just
seen reports on twitter that there was a
down street christmas party on friday
night do you recognize those reports i
went home
hold on hold on um
uh
what's the answer i don't know i think
the party was cheesy
it's fictional party was a business
meeting
and it was not socially distanced
the insensitive remarks were recorded
just days after an alleged christmas
celebration at 10 downing street a year
ago a time when coveted restrictions in
the country banned such gatherings and
while britain was battling with
overflowing hospitals and rising covet
deaths in parliament the prime minister
addressed the scandal i was also furious
to see that clip
i have been
repeatedly assured since these
allegations emerged that there was no
party
and that
and that no kovid rules were broken and
that is what i have been repeatedly
assured
we saw them practicing the lie and now
you're going to tell us that we must
believe the lie there was no party you
guys have to believe the thing that we
saw is a thing is not a thing it is a
thing everybody must believe me you know
boris bars would be a lot more
believable if it didn't look like
someone just pulled him out of a mosh
pit
and guys it's not it's not just boris by
the way it feels like every month we
catch another politician breaking their
own covert rules gavin newsom went to
that fancy restaurant the mayor of
austin flew to cabo andrew cuomo kissed
that bat
at the same time
i get why they broke covert rules to
have that party i mean people look
forward all year long to the office
christmas party it's the only chance you
have to hook up with a co-worker have
everyone in the office see it and then
pretend like it never happened it's like
a whole pass from hr
but
the worst part is how they're on video
joking about it i mean it's one thing to
break your own rules it's another thing
to laugh about it it's yet another thing
to videotape it it's like they're trying
to win the dumbass triathlon
if they manage a scandal that badly how
did they handle the pandemic
what
even worse
total disaster oh that makes sense huh
i do feel bad for them you know that
this whole thing came out a year later
you know because this scandal is
happening now but the video is from a
year ago
because i'm sure after the first six or
eight months they probably thought it
was over you know they probably thought
they'd gotten away with it
it's almost like imagine if you were at
work
and then your eighth grade teacher
walked in like we finally tracked down
who's gum that was under the desk mister
you're getting two weeks detention what
i'm 37. do you want it to be three
but let's move on to a politician who
never even had the chance to face calls
for her resignation hillary clinton
five years after somehow losing an
election to the world's worst person
hillary is hoping that her failures can
become a teachable moment for the rest
of us hillary clinton for the first time
sharing the victory speech she hoped to
deliver in the 2016 presidential
election clinton revisiting the speech
as part of a masterclass video being
released today on the topic of
resilience i've never
shared this with anybody i've never read
it out loud my fellow americans today
you sent a message to the whole world
our values endure
our democracy stands strong
and our motto remains
e pluribus unum
out of many one
that's brutal
and the way she's sitting like that and
she's reading it to us it's like the
world's most depressing fairy tale
once upon a time an ogre crushed the
dreams of a princess and nobody lived
happily ever after
the end but yes hillary clinton is
giving a master class on resiliency
that's now available everywhere except
in wisconsin for some reason and in it
in it she reads the victory speech that
she never got to deliver
and i really love how she's like i've
never shared this speech with anybody
before it was too painful and you're
paying me how much oh well i guess i
could read a few pages
and you know if this is a thing that
we're allowed to do and someone pays you
to do it i also have speeches that i
never got the chance to give i've got it
right here
i am so honored to be named the mvp of
the nba finals and just days after being
awarded the nobel prize for world's
coolest penis and look
yeah you have to admit it's a little
weird to teach a master class on the
biggest loss of your life i mean because
there's plenty of things that hillary
could teach a master class on she's
kicked ass in so many things it could be
like the inner workings of congress or
international relations or uh
um
i don't want to say killing jeffrey
epstein
look i'll say one thing
you'll never see donald trump doing this
he doesn't write back up speeches
because whether he wins or loses that
dude gives the same speech and my legal
team completely destroyed the
prosecution and i won the case
totally won what what's that
lights out okay night night warden see
you guys manana before we go please
consider supporting vibrant emotional
health they're a non-profit dedicated to
helping people achieve emotional
well-being and to giving them the
support and the skills that they need to
survive so if you want to support them
in their work especially during the
stressful holiday season then please
donate at the link below
[Music]
you
