relation goes to calmness that is reassuring but not very exciting

When we confuse assertion with aggression, neutralize otherness, adjust our longings, and reason away our hostility, we assemble a calmness that is reassuring but not very exciting.

Stephen Mitchell makes the point that the capacity to contain aggression is a precondition for the capacity to love. We must integrate our aggression rather than eradicate it.He explains, “The degradation of romance, the waning of desire, is due not to the contamination of love by aggression, but to the inability to sustain the 

necessary tension between them.”

This tension, be a source of energy and passion， when sustained, keeps the relationship alive and exciting, rather than letting it settle into a comfortable but dull routine felt flat and uninspiring。

所以社会是让我们压抑我们的欲望， believe that our primal selves are somehow flawed or unacceptable我们被压迫的习以为常，压抑成了美德，从小外在的压迫终于内化成了内在的束缚和压迫， rather than recognizing the value of embracing our desires and instincts.我们和原始自我疏离了，我们被社会化的”超我“所主宰，我们走向远离了人性的方向，变得越来越麻木不”人“，become increasingly disconnected from our humanity, becoming more and more numb and unfeeling. 我们被外界所规训，失去了人格的成长和自我的感受，We lose touch with our own emotions, desires, and needs, and instead become mere automatons, following the rules and expectations of society without question.

 

现代社会并不是靠“外部强制”来控制人，而是靠“让你自愿认同”的方式，让你自己去压抑自己，这并不是少数人的问题，而是现代社会深植于人类文明和社会运作的普遍模式。

摆脱它却很难，因为这不仅仅是一个思维上的转变，而涉及到深层的心理和社会适应。当我们尝试释放自己的欲望时，可能会感到内疚、焦虑，甚至害怕，这种自我束缚，自我恐惧让许多人宁愿选择继续压抑，而不是面对自己真正的冲动和需求。They are left

feeling bewildered and frightened by their slackened command.（松一松形影不离的自我紧箍咒却感到了困惑和恐惧）。当人习惯了被束缚，反而会害怕自由，人们不是真的渴望自由，而是渴望被引导。