Love Doesn't Have to Be Unconditional

It's time we recognize that some love is conditional and save ourselves the guilt (内疚，自责，愧疚，罪过，过失) when we can no longer commit to (把…送交, 托付给, 对…做出承诺, 承担义务, 担负责任, 致力于) what the relationship has become.( 现在是时候让我们认识到，有些爱是有条件的，当我们无法再对这段关系做出承诺时，就不必再内疚了)
Most of us have subscribed to (to agree with or support an opinion, belief, or theory) the idea that romantic love is unconditional. True love lasts forever and when you fall in love, you are with that person through thick and thin (If you support or stay with someone through thick and thin, you always support or stay with them, even if there are problems or difficulties), in sickness and in health. We don’t say “I love you” lightly because behind it is the implication that we love the other person entirely, flaws and all.
But sometimes love is conditional. And acknowledging that fact (and not holding unconditional love as the only type of love to strive for (努力, 奋斗)) will help us figure out what we want out of our romantic relationships—and what we don’t.
There are real and valid reasons why love fades, changes shape, or disappears entirely. According to Forbes, 75% of divorced couples cited lack of commitment as the reason. This lack of commitment includes partnerships where betrayal (an act of betraying someone or something, or the fact of someone or something being betrayed) or infidelity ((an act of) having sex with someone who is not your husband, wife, or regular sexual partner) occurred, but also reflects relationships where partners grew in different directions and couldn’t reconcile (调和，使一致) who they had become.
Love is complicated and can be challenged by the smallest of things like personality quirks (怪癖, 古怪之处) to more impactful issues like political and spiritual beliefs. Over the course of a relationship or marriage, each partner’s core beliefs may change and, thus, may put a strain on the romantic connection. Psychologically, individuals go through seven-year blocks of change throughout their lifespan. Career changes, desires to pursue new interests, hobbies or lifestyles, and gaining deeper insight into our own emotional needs may all heavily impact who we are as partners and what our relationship priorities are. It’s unrealistic to think that in a marriage, couples won’t face pivotal changes as they cohabitate, share household responsibilities, co-parent, and develop as individuals. These changes can be foundation-shaking enough to cause an irreparable rift (裂缝, 分歧, 不和).
This can be brought on (（尤指通过训练和练习的方式）帮助…提高; （在比赛进行期间）派…上场; 引起，造成) by changes outside of the relationship, too. For instance, rising political tensions may cause couples to confront differences they never knew they had before. Geopolitical conflicts and war can highlight identity differences that were never an issue before each partner felt they had to choose a side. All these factors can make seeing eye to eye (意见一致, 观点相同) and staying in a relationship more difficult, especially if the ideological divide is too big.
Is it fair to ask someone to commit to whatever results from all these years of unpredictable change?
Many people choose not to stay in partnerships that they feel no longer work for them. The 2024 divorce rate in the U.S. is 43%, and the average length of marriage is eight years. The divorce rate increases the more times you get married, so the likelihood that first divorces are just a fluke (侥幸, 偶然) seems far-fetched (very unlikely to be true, and difficult to believe). Despite the odds (the probability (= how likely it is) that a particular thing will or will not happen) being against so many of us to have life-long love, there’s something appealing about putting one’s faith in the success of only one relationship for the rest of our lives (尽管我们中的很多人都不可能拥有终生的爱情，但将自己的信念寄托于一生中唯一一段感情的成功，还是有一定的吸引力的). There’s comfort in thinking that “this time” love will endure.
But continuing to search for unconditional love may be a set-up (安排) for disappointment. When we shift from believing that the highest form of love is unconditional love to something more realistic, we can feel less disappointment and guilt when we find ourselves in relationships where our feelings for our partners change. When we see conditional love as a real possibility instead of something that has to be avoided at all costs, we are more free to love how we need to when we need to. (当我们把有条件的爱看作是一种真实的可能性，而不是必须不惜一切代价避免的事情时，我们就能更自由地在需要的时候以我们需要的方式去爱)
Of course, there are times when couples drift apart (关系渐渐疏远，冷淡下来) and are able to come back together, perhaps even stronger than before. But there’s no guarantee that just because you stay committed to the relationship that romantic love will survive. We don’t have reliable data on how many people are in loveless marriages, but it’s safe to say that many people stay in marriages for reasons other than romantic love: They may have accepted that their partner isn’t who they fell in love with, but that the relationship is still valid and important. They may have decided that divorce would be entirely too disruptive (引起混乱的，捣乱的，颠覆性的) or costly. And in the worst of cases (在最糟糕的情况下), they may feel that they can’t leave a toxic or abusive (using rude and offensive words) relationship.
Whether you decide to stay or leave a relationship where love has changed or disappeared, it’s important to not see that as failing. Romantic love has conditions under which it can thrive (to grow, develop, or be successful). Safety, trust, attraction, values alignment and respect are foundational. If one (or many) of these dimensions is disrupted, love can change.
Relationships take work, time, and patience. They are only successful if both parties are willing and able to put in that work. It's time we recognize that some love is conditional and save ourselves the guilt when we can no longer commit to what the relationship has become. Having unconditional love as the only “valid” form of love only limits our ability to learn and grow in whatever ways we need to in relationships. It’s an unfair burden to ask of oneself and one’s partner given the many ways in which we can each evolve into people who may not fit together anymore.
Recognizing that when conditions in the relationship change, so, too, can the love we experience is one way we can love more authentically. It helps relieve the pressure of having to force ourselves to love someone who we truly do not.