When you’re nearly 40 and unmarried, and you realize you’re going to be okay

https://medium.com/the-gathering-kind/when-you-re-nearly-40-and-unmarried-and-you-realize-you-re-going-to-be-okay-f1802188394d

 

A few weeks ago my best friend’s nine-year-old daughter and I were playing.

Our play consists of her sometimes weaving pink ribbons through my hair or me helping her assemble an imaginary set for a show she’s intent on producing (she’s creative, this one).

That day, after I affixed one of the many glittery crowns she owned on her head, she asked, Are you ever going to have children, Felicia? 

I admired her moxie, the way in which she’s able to navigate terrain that one could consider a minefield.

Adults exercise politeness and discretion in a way that can sometimes be numbing, and it was such an odd relief to hear a child ask something so plainly–just because I’m the only woman she knows who doesn’t have a child of her own.

My best friend and I exchanged a look, and I replied, No, C. I don’t plan on having children. She appeared pensive, and after a few moments she nodded her head, said, okay, and we continued on with our play.

weave   vt. 编织;编排;使迂回前进

ribbon  n. 带;缎带;(勋章等的)绶带;带状物;勋表

imaginary  adj. 虚构的,假想的;想像的;虚数的

intent on  专心致志于

affix  vt. 粘上;署名;将罪责加之于

glittery  adj. 闪烁的,闪光的

crown  n. 王冠;花冠;王权;顶点

moxie  n. 精力;勇气

terrain  n. [地理] 地形,地势;领域;地带

minefield   n. 布雷区;充满隐伏危险的事物

discretion  n. 自由裁量权;谨慎;判断力;判定;考虑周到

numbing  adj. 使麻木的;使失去感觉的

odd   adj. 奇数的;古怪的;剩余的;临时的;零散的

relief  n. 救济;减轻,解除;安慰;浮雕

plainly  adv. 明白地;坦率地;平坦地;朴素地

pensive  adj. 沉思的,忧郁的;悲伤的,哀愁的

 

 

I did love, once. Yet it was love that was easily altered, one that had slowly come apart at the seams.

But for a time we lived a terrific photograph, and spoke of glinting diamonds, me swanning about in a white dress and children winding around my calves.

This life, while part of a defined plan I had for myself, felt distant, foreign–an uninhabited country for which I needed a visa and complicated paperwork for entry.

I never took to the idea of being owned by someone else; I never considered changing my name.

I never imagined myself in a white dress (I prefer blue), and I’ve never truly felt the maternal ache and tug as many of my dear friends who are mothers, describe.

Back then I viewed marriage as less of a partnership and more of a prison, but I imagine that had much to do with the man in my life.

Back then I slept on top sheets rather than between them, and I was forever poised for flight.

Back then I didn’t want children because I was certain I wouldn’t be any good at it considering my history.

altered 改变了的;蚀变的

come apart at the seams 分裂;崩溃,失败;衰落

 terrific  极好的;极其的,非常的;可怕的

glint  使闪光;使发光

calves小牛;小腿;腓;呆子

uninhabited 无人居住的,杳无人迹的

maternal 母亲的;母性的;母系的;母体遗传的

ache   疼痛

tug  拖船;拖曳;苦干

top sheet上层床单

poised   泰然自若的,镇定的;平衡的,均衡的;摆好姿势不动的,静止的

 

 

After a couple of years of playing house, this great love and I experienced a drift and while he went on to marry and have a family of his own, I never once thought I’d missed out on my chance, rather, I was relieved.

I treasure my solitude, my freedom. I didn’t want to be harvested. Back then I had so much work ahead of me, work on my self, my character, that I knew I wouldn’t be much good to anyone else.

I knew I had to make myself whole and complete before I gave even a sliver of myself to someone else.

treasure  珍爱;珍藏

solitude  孤独;隐居;荒僻的地方

 

posted @ 2015-05-04 13:12  ChuckLu  阅读(203)  评论(0编辑  收藏  举报