ellen 纽奥良大学演讲

 

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Thank you, President Cowan, Mrs. President Cowen; distinguished guests, undistinguished guests - you know who you are, honored faculty and creepy Spanish teacher. And thank you to all the graduating class of 2009, I realize most of you are hungover and have splitting headaches and haven't slept since Fat Tuesday, but you can't graduate 'til I finish, so listen up.   When I was asked to make the commencement speech, I immediately said yes. Then I went to look up what commencement meant. Which would have been easy if I had a dictionary, but most of the books in our house are Portia's, and they're all written in Australian. So I had to break the word down myself, to find out the meaning.   Commencement: common, and cement. Common cement. You commonly see cement on sidewalks. Sidewalks have cracks, and if you step on a crack, you break your mother's back. So there's that. But I'm honored that you've asked me here to speak at your common cement.   I thought that you had to be a famous alumnus - alumini - aluminum - alumis - you had to graduate from this school. And I didn't go to college here, and I don't know if President Cowan knows, I didn't go to any college at all. Any college. And I'm not saying you wasted your time, or money, but look at me, I"m a huge celebrity. Although I did graduate from the school of hard knocks, our mascot was the knockers. I spent a lot of time here growing up. My mom worked at (?) and I would go there every time I needed to steal something out of her purse. But why am I here today? Clearly not to steal, you're too far away and I'd never get away with it.   I'm here because of you. Because I can't think of a more tenacious, more courageous graduating class. I mean, look at you all, wearing your robes. Usually when you're wearing a robe at 10 in the morning, it means you've given up. I'm here because I love New Orleans. I was born and raised here, I spent my formative years here, and like you, while I was living here I only did laundry six times. When I finished school, I was completely lost. And by school, I mean middle school, but I went ahead and finished high school anyway. And I - I really, I had no ambition, I didn't know what I wanted to do. I did everything from - I shucked oysters, I was a hostess, I was a bartender, I was a waitress, I painted houses, I sold vaccuum cleaners, I had no idea. And I thought I'd just finally settle in some job, and I would make enough money to pay my rent, maybe have basic cable, maybe not, I didn't really have a plan, my point is that, by the time I was your age, I really thought I knew who I was, but I had no idea. Like for example, when I was your age, I was dating men. So what I'm saying is, when you're older, most of you will be gay. Anyone writing this stuff down? Parents?         Anyway, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and the way I ended up on this path was from a very tragic event. I was maybe 19, and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident. And I passed the accident, and I didn't know it was her and I kept going, and I found out shortly after that, it was her. And I was living in a basement apartment, I had no money, I had no heat, no air, I had a mattress on the floor and the apartment was infested with fleas. And I was soul-searching, I was like, why is she suddenly gone, and there are fleas here? I don't understand, there must be a purpose, and wouldn't it be so convenient if we could pick up the phone and call God, and ask these questions.   And I started writing and what poured out of me was an imaginary conversation with God, which was one-sided, and I finished writing it and I looked at it and I said to myself, and I hadn't even been doing stand-up, ever, there was no club in town. I said, "I'm gonna do this on the Tonight Show With Johnny Carson"- at the time he was the king - "and I'm gonna be the first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sit down." And several years later, I was the first woman in the history of the show, and only woman in the history of the show to sit down, because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote. And I started this path of stand-up and it was successful and it was great, but it was hard, because I was trying to please everybody and I had this secret that I was keeping, that I was gay. And I thought if people found out they wouldn't like me, they wouldn't laugh at me.   Then my career turned into - I got my own sitcom, and that was very successful, another level of success. And I thought, what if they find out I'm gay, then they'll never watch, and this was a long time ago, this was when we just had white presidents - this was back, many years ago - and I finally decided that I was living with so much shame, and so much fear, that I just couldn't live that way anymore, and I decided to come out and make it creative. And my character would come out at the same time, and it wasn't to make a political statement, it wasn't to do anything other than to free myself up from this heaviness that I was carrying around, and I just wanted to be honest. And I thought, "What's the worst that could happen? I can lose my career". I did. I lost my career. The show was cancelled after six years, without even telling me, I read it in the paper. The phone didn't ring for three years. I had no offers. Nobody wanted to touch me at all. Yet, I was getting letters from kids that almost committed suicide, but didn't, because of what I did. And I realised that I had a purpose. And it wasn't just about me and it wasn't about celebrity, but I felt like I was being punished... it was a bad time, I was angry, I was sad, and then I was offered a talkshow. And the people that offered me the talkshow tried to sell it. And most stations didn't want to pick it up. Most people didn't want to buy it because they thought nobody would watch me.   Really when I look back on it, I wouldn't change a thing. I mean, it was so important for me to lose everything because I found out what the most important thing is, is to be true to yourself. Ultimately, that's what's gotten me to this place. I don't live in fear, I'm free, I have no secrets. and I know I'll always be ok, because no matter what, I know who I am. So In conclusion, when I was younger I thought success was something different. I thought when I grow up, I want to be famous. I want to be a star. I want to be in movies. When I grow up I want to see the world, drive nice cars, I want to have groupies. To quote the Pussycat Dolls. How many people thought it was "boobies", by the way? It's not, it's "groupies".   But my idea of success is different today. And as you grow, you'll realise the definition of success changes. For many of you, today, success is being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila. For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity, and not to give into peer pressure. to try to be something that you're not. To live your life as an honest and compassionate person. to contribute in some way. So to conclude my conclusion: follow your passion, stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path, and by all means you should follow that. Don't give advice, it will come back and bite you in the ass. Don't take anyone's advice. So my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.   And I know that a lot of you are concerned about your future, but there's no need to worry. The economy is booming, the job market is wide open, the planet is just fine. It's gonna be great. You've already survived a hurricane. What else can happen to you? And as I mentioned before, some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most. And now you know the right questions to ask in your first job interview. Like, "Is it above sea level?" . So to conclude my conclusion that I've previously concluded, in the common cement speech, I guess what I'm trying to say is life is like one big Mardi Gras. But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what they see, you'll have more beads than you know what to do with. And you'll be drunk, most of the time. So the Katrina class of 2009, I say congratulations and if you don't remember a thing I said today, remember this: you're gonna be ok, dum de dum dum dum, just dance.

谢谢，谢谢考恩校长，和有头有脸的来宾们，呃，有头有脸的来宾，你知道你是谁，不用介绍了（众人笑），诚心感谢大家……以及讨厌的西班牙语老师（众人大笑）     感谢所有2009届的毕业生，我知道你们绝大多数人还因为宿醉头痛欲裂，狂欢到今天都还没睡，但是没听完我的演讲不能毕业，所以都听好了！（学生们欢呼）     当我被问是否来参加毕业典礼演讲的时候，我立刻就回答了：yes！……然后我才去查“毕业典礼”是什么意思（众人笑）。如果我有字典的话就轻松多了，但我家的书大多是portia的（ellen的妻子，澳大利亚人）而且都是澳洲文（众人笑），所以……我得自己摸索，去找出这个词的意思。 “commencement毕业典礼”：commen常见的＋cement水泥，常见的水泥（众人大笑） 你常常见到水泥，在人行道上，人行道有裂缝，你要是踩到裂缝，就会撞伤你妈妈的背（大家笑），所以大概意思就是这样了（笑声）   但我很荣幸被邀请来做你们的“常见的水泥”的演讲。我以为非得是又有名，又是你们学校的校友才能来……我没有在这里念过大学，我不知校长先生是否知道，我完全没上过大学…任何一间大学！我到不是在说你们在浪费时间和金钱，不过看看我，我是个超级成功的大名人唉！（大家爆笑）   事实上我在这里度过许多成长的岁月，我妈妈在这里工作时，我常来找她……每当我要偷她钱包里的钱时（大家笑）。但我今天在这里的原因，显然不是要偷你们的钱……我在这里是因为你们，因为没有比你们更优秀更勇敢的毕业生了。看看你们每一个人，身穿你们的袍子（学士袍），通常我们说在早上10点还穿着袍子（睡袍）代表你放弃人生了（大家大笑）。我在这里，因为我爱纽奥良，我在这里出生成长，在此度过少年时光，正如你们一样，当我住这里时，我只洗过6次衣服（众人笑）。 当我从学校毕业的时候，我完完全全迷失了自我，学校我指的是初中（大家笑），后来我也继续念完了高中。我当时，没有任何的野心，不知道自己想做什么。我什么工作都做，我挖生蚝，当带位员，做酒保，当服务生，粉刷房子，卖吸尘器……完全不知道自己想做什么。我只想随便找个糊口的工作，过一辈子，能有钱负得起房租就行，我完全没有任何计划。我想说的是，当我像你们这么大的时候，我真的以为我了解自己，但其实我并不了解，举例来说，我像你们这么大的时候，还在和男人约会（大家大笑）。所以我的意思是：当你们再长大些后，大多数的人，都会是gay!（场内爆笑，ellen自己也笑了） 总之，当时我不知道我的人生要干嘛，而最后我找到了我人生目标，却是因为一件十分悲惨的事。我那时可能才19岁，当时的女朋友因为车祸身亡了。我经过了事故现场，并不知道是她，还继续往前走。不久后，才知道那是她。我当时……住在地下室的公寓，没有钱，没有暖气，房子里都是跳蚤。我困惑不已，心想，为何她突然走了，而为何我又呆再这样一个境地里。我无法理解，但其中一定有什么理由。要是能直接拿起电话打给上帝问个清楚，不就太好了。于是我开始写一些东西，心里涌现出一段我和上帝的对话，虽然只是我一个人的独白。当我完成了它后，我阅读了这个剧本，对自己说，我说我要在“今夜秀”上和强尼.卡森一起表演这一段。强尼.卡森是当时主持届的天王，我对自己说我要成为该节目史上第一个被邀请和强尼一起坐下来访问的女性。数年之后，我成为这个节目史上，第一位也是唯一一位，被邀请坐下来和他访问的女性。就因为那段我写的和上帝打电话的剧本。   从此我开始做单人脱口秀，做得很成功，也很辛苦，因为我想讨好每一个人，同时又守着我身为同性恋的秘密。我想人们要是发现了，就不会喜欢我了。后来我又有了自己的喜剧，也很成功，更进一步的成功。我于是更担心，要是别人发现了怎么办，是不是就不会看我的节目了？这都是很久以前的事了，你们可能不知道，那都是我们的总统还都是白人时候的事了（大家大笑）   最终我还是决定……我一直带着羞耻和恐惧而活，我再也不能像那样活下去了，于是我决定让剧中的主角和我自己同时出柜。不是为了什么政治原因或是其他，只是为了让我从一个背负已久的沉重枷锁中释放出来，我只是想要……诚实！我想不会有更惨的事发生了，难道会失去我的演艺事业吗？结果，我真的失去了。我的节目在做了6年后，没有告知我就停播了，我读了报纸才知道。家中的电话三年没有再响过，没人愿意找我做节目，没人愿意碰我。   然而我收到了想要自杀的同性恋孩子的来信，他们因为我的出柜而最终没有自杀，我才了解到，我在这个世上是有目的的。那曾是一段痛苦的日子，我很愤世嫉俗，很难过。后来有人找我做脱口秀（今天的ellen show），制作公司想要卖出节目，但是大多数电视台都不愿意买。   当我回想起这些往事的时候，我一点也不想去改变什么，即使失去一切。因为我意识到，最重要的事是，对自己诚实。我的选择令我在今天能活得自在，没有恐惧和秘密。我知道一切都是ok的，因为无论如何，我知道自己是谁。   因此，这是不是结论的结论，当我年轻时，对成功的定义不同，我想我的志愿是：我想出名，想当明星，拍电影，我想要去看世界，开名车，有一群死党……（ellen这段说的很溜，大家反应过来其实这是小野猫的一首歌的歌词，于是大笑）但今日我对成功的定义变了，当你长大，你就会发现这点。对你们中的很多人来说，成功的定义是能灌下20杯龙舌兰酒（大家笑）。 对我来说，生命中最重要的事是：活得诚实！别逼自己去做不是真正的你，要活得正直，有怜悯之心，在某些方面有所贡献。   因此，这是结论的结论（众人笑）：追随热情，忠于自我，绝不要追随别人的脚步，除非你在森林里迷路了才要这么做（大家笑）。别给人忠告，别接受任何人的忠告。所以…我要给大家的忠告是（大家大笑）：做真实的你，一切都会没事的。     我知道在座很多人都在担心自己的前途，但不用担心，经济正急速增长，就业市场求才若渴（大家大笑），地球也好的很！（大家笑）一切都会好的，你们都经历过风灾了，还有什么可怕的？如我以前所说的：最惨痛的事教会你最多。比如现在你第一次面试，就知道该问考官什么了，例如“公司高于海平面吗？”（大家大笑，纽奥良因地势低被淹水） 因此……总结一下我刚才做的我的“常见的水泥”演讲的结论（大家笑），我猜我想说的是，人生犹如一场狂欢嘉年华，记得展现你的头脑，而不是胸部。……2009年的毕业生们，我说祝贺大家了！若你不记得我今天说的任何话，就请记住这一句：you’re going to be ok，dun－doom－doom－doom（大家愣），just dance！（所有人大笑欢呼）   会场响起Lady Gaga的《Just dance》，ellen在演讲台上摇摆起来，就像她在1000多期ellen show中，每期必做的一样，一路跳舞到人群中去。

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SkySeraph Oct.28th 2010 HQU

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